Confession

I've been thinking I should blog about why I haven't been blogging. Did you catch the problem in that statement? It's actually the answer to why I haven't written. I've been depressed. Not everyday, but I have been struggling with it throughout this pregnancy and I think since I only have 34 or so days left until this baby arrives it's time to come clean. It's hard for me to blog when I am depressed, or even if I was depressed yesterday because I don't want to think about my life. I just want to get through it the best I can and not analyze it. I don't want to make my life sound any worse or any better than it is and I have a fear that whatever I write will do that. I also think about all the different people I know who read this and worry what they will think about this or that thing that I write. I just want to hide until I feel better.
Apparrently the hormones that are rushing through my body to make this baby grow are stronger than the medication I take to keep my brain from crashing. I tried taking more of it but it just made me so sleepy I couldn't do anything. I think, in retrospect, maybe I should have just tried a different drug earlier on. But now I want to wait until the baby comes and see what happens. My family, my therapist, and now all of you, know that my depression might worsen postpartum and that I would need to get more help, but there is also the possibility that I might start to feel better. So I will wait it out one day at a time. If you see me and I am smiling, know that I am not trying to pretend to be happy, I am probably just okay at that moment. I seem to be able to do and think about some things but not others. I am looking forward to seeing this new baby, and my newest little nephew, but let's not talk about money, or the middle east, or health care, or christian persecution, or missions or child abuse okay? Those are some of my recent triggers into the depths of despair and I can't seem to distance myself from the emotional part of them right now.
As for an update on Acadia...
I had a phone meeting with one of the researchers at NIH this week to answer questions about the last 6 months. I didn't have a lot written down, but thankfully I had blogged about the manic episode Acadia had in the fall and I was able to use that to answer most of the questions. I need to remember to keep blogging updates now and then just for my own sake since I'm not keeping any other sort of journal for her right now. She had been pretty stable until we got close to Christmas and then she started having some anxiety about how long it was going to be until Christmas, and what we were doing everyday. She wanted to fill up every minute of her day with some exciting activity until Christmas morning arrived. With help from my Mom we kept her as busy as we could, but we were still hearing a lot of "I'm so bored I can't stand it". It's been difficult for me to be depressed and unmotivated and not able to think of ideas and things for her to do when it seems like she often needs or wants me to do that for her. She likes to have her environment prepared for her because it decreases her stress and anxiety level so much. For example; Mom hasn't been making sure all the socks are clean, paired, and in the drawer, so she's had to go looking for socks when she needs them and gets very frustrated. On the other hand she CAN do many things independently and often does, so it's more a matter of figuring out what the biggest stressors are and trying to help her with those. And then there's the things you can't avoid, like Christmas. Thanks to Seroquel she slept great and then we all got up and opened presents together. Once that was done we told her there would be about an hour to wait until we left to go to Grammie's. This was apparently more than she could handle because she started getting agitated and stomping around the house. Then she was saying how much she hated Christmas, throwing things, dumping crayons everywhere and getting more out of control. We directed her upstairs, and on her way she flipped the bookcase over and all the kid's books came crashing down the stairs. Once in her room, she cried and screamed about how bad she was and how sorry she was, that she wanted to kill herself and that we could never forgive her. Because I sensed a desire in the midst of this verbal debris to make things right, I simply asked her if she was ready to clean up the books. She immediately came out and began cleaning up. I helped her until it was done, and she apologized to us for what she had done. We forgave her and left it at that. We went to my Mom and Dad's and she held it together pretty well for the rest of the day, but it wasn't until we were driving home that night from our last "Christmas" that she finally seemed happy and relieved. She said that she still felt bad about throwing the fit that morning, but the rest of the day was so wonderful and she loved all her presents and was looking forward to playing with them tomorrow. It was such a dramatic turn around from her attitude the rest of the day, I was amazed. I hadn't even thought of the concept that she probably couldn't enjoy any of her gifts until it was all over!
Since then, there have been a few times when I have seen some depressive symptoms. One day she put these signs on her bedroom door:
The piece of junk
Worthless Person
You wouldn't like me
Behold: the worst person
The Unloved
(I know, they are sad and funny at the same time, especially with the bad spelling they were written in.)
Acadia is difficult to motivate, often very bored, unfocused, always wants to go somewhere and is irritable at times. At other times she is able to play happily with her sister and friends. It might be the beginning of a depressive episode or it might be a good description of most of us in Maine in our post holiday slump. We will have to wait and see.
That's the most writing I have done in ages, so let's call it good and hopefully we can do this again soon.

Family Vacation and Family News

For our family vacation we rented a cabin on Pleasant Lake, and enjoyed lots of fishing, swimming, canoeing, kayaking, and crafts. I always have to plan some crafts because when the kids finally drag themselves out of the water, the first thing they say is "We're bored." In these pictures we are doing fish print T-shirts. We caught fish, painted them and plopped them on our shirts. We made one for each member of our family. And yes, that is a onesie in the middle and we are expecting a new addition in early February! We are very excited and still a little nervous, but as I am moving into the second trimester this week, hopefully the biggest risk is past. You can check Pocketful Of Hope for more baby details. I apologize for not blogging here since May (yikes!) but writing has not been my favorite pastime lately. I'm sure it will come back to me eventually, along with my taste for chocolate, which I really could care less about right now.

Healing

As the song says, I am being held. By love and prayers and really tight hugs.
I am healing, but I am not, as someone told me, "amazing". You might like to know that I too screamed at God in the night. Those words that came when I could not form any others, when anger was my first and all encompassing emotion. But as I came to the moment when my baby slipped away I felt the grace of God melt all of that anger into a sad acceptance. I don't know how He did it, but I know it wasn't me. He gives life, and He takes it, and he caresses my rage into gentle tears. He takes my chin in his hand and gently turns my head.
My girls are beautiful. They are happy and full of the promise of spring. They are muddy and sunkissed and stomping the last pile of snow, barefoot in bikinis. They are giggling in the bath and ask "Mom, what is that animal with a squarish nose that likes to go in the water sometimes, but lives on land? It's a something-bara". "A capybara.", I said. "Yes! We are capybaras and we have to wash our fur now." They are playing baseball and floating boats and drawing fairies and birds. All is right with girlhood at this glorious moment of spring. This, too, holds me.

Another Heaven-Birth

Last night we lost another 9 week baby. We don't know why, although we hope to get some kind of medical answer in the future. As we grieve we covet your prayers for our healing. Right now it seems like a reoccurring nightmare. This song could have come straight from my heart. Take some time to listen. (I double posted this on my other blog so no one would miss it.)

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

Pocketful of Hope

Yep! This is what it looks like! Our 8 week Belly Bean! We have known for awhile, but were waiting for this ultrasound to find out if the baby is healthy before we spread the news. Everything looks great and there is only a 5% chance of miscarriage now. For more details check out my baby blog at Pocketful of Hope. You might want to read the posts in order by going to the bottom first, if you want to catch up.
Acadia is doing pretty well right now. We seem to be avoiding the extremes and are just dealing with the regular stuff. She developed a new coping strategy: chewing ice cubes! Sunshine, bikes, the tire swing, and an emerging yard are really good medicine for any kid!