b&m&b: Real Food on the Run

One of the big challenges for our family in eating real food right now is what to eat when we are in town and haven't packed a lunch. Cadi has been going through fast food withdrawal, but we are making progress.

When we are downtown on a weekday we like to go to Bagel Central, a local bagel shop that makes fresh homemade food. I get the girls a bagel with melted cheddar, and I like the potato pancake served with applesauce and sour cream. Especially in the winter it's nice to be able to have something warm and tasty to nourish us during our busy day of errands and appointments. Plus, it's one of my favorite spaces; exposed brick, long tables, and now they even have WiFi!
Tonight, we were out shopping and had planned to head over to Bagel Central but they close early on Friday night for the Sabbath. Out next stop was Target so we decided to throw in the dishtowel on getting good food and get something from the snack bar. I will NOT tell you what Dan and the kids ate other than to say it was "foodless food" as Holly has christened it. I was

going to eat the same thing for lack of better choices, when I discovered that Starbucks has oatmeal! I mixed in the dried fruit, nuts, and brown sugar, and enjoyed my sweet but nourishing supper. In fact, I kinda kept going on and on about it to Dan, who was not nearly as thrilled as I was. Our dinner entertainment was this little girl sitting in her stroller making funny faces and laughing to our uproarious response.
The girls were also highly amused by Dan's warning to them that they might not be able to get pretzels at Target because the machine might be broken or something. When we got up to the counter, lo and behold, the woman told us the pretzel machine was broken! (Miller family smirks and giggles.) She said that the pretzels in the case were just for display. I'm thinkin' those ones probably have as much nutrient content as the ones they make anyway.

I still need to work on more ideas for eating on the run, but at least now I have two. Tomorrow I'll be making granola bars, which would also be a good thing to pack for snacks in the car, but I have a feeling they won't last long around here!

Get out and play in it!

'Bout time for a blog post with family pictures eh? I thought so too. When it snows, my family has a tendency to be gloomy about it. But once you get out there and start playing in it together, it is kind of fun. That is, if you can find your boots, and mittens, and your ski pants feel just right.

Beatrix, waiting for a snowflake

Lily, on the slide

Mom thinks I can't possible move in this snowsuit,
but the bathroom door is open and now is my chance.

Seals do it, and so can I. Slap-swish, slap-swish.

Bub-bye.

Merry Christmas 2009

Make a Smilebox photobook

Bread and Milk and Blackberries for Supper

I haven't blogged in forever. I have thought about blogging at least every other day. Tonight the kids are in bed and Dan is watching a movie I don't care to watch, and it seems like a good time to just start.

You might remember bread, milk and blackberries from the story of Peter Rabbit. This is what the little bunnies had for a simple supper when Peter was sent to bed with chamomile tea. I am introducing Bread, Milk, and Blackberries for Supper as a new "foodie" feature of my blog. I have blogged about food before, and posted a recipe here and there. But recently food has become more of an interest for me.... specifically "real" food, like bread, and milk and blackberries. Let me tell you where I'm coming from.

For Mother's Day Dan got me some ducklings. When the starter feed ran out I went back to the farmer's supply store to get more and it was out of stock. I asked if my ducklings were old enough to switch to corn, and was told that they were. So I brought home a bag of cracked corn. I hadn't started giving them kitchen scraps yet, so all they had was corn and water. Being a very new farmer-person I thought that was good enough. Soon though, the ducklings started having seizures. It was so disturbing to watch that I didn't want to go out and see them. I went online to see what could be wrong with them and discovered that they had symptoms of vitamin deficiency. Especially the vitamin E found the green stuff they should have been eating. So that night I fixed them a big pan of spinach and scraps with vitamin E capsules drizzled on top. They loved it, and the seizures resolved right away once their poor little bird brains were sufficiently nourished. I started feeding them kitchen scraps with lots of green stuff and mixed rabbit pellets in with the corn, which they thrived on.

A few months later I came across a book called "Real food for mother and baby" by Nina Planck. It was eye-opening. Many books and articles and films later, I realized that I had been starving my own brain pretty much the same way I accidentally starved those little ducklings. I hadn't been eating real food. I had been eating whatever was at the store, which seems like food but is often so far removed from the actual thing, it is now something else entirely. And when you trace it all they way back to what most of this "food" is made from, you come back to......corn. The same thing my little ducks tried to live on but couldn't. I want to give my kids nourishing food. This family's brains can definitely use all the help we can get.

So stay tuned for more "Bread, Milk, and Blackberries for Supper". You can count on the bread being homemade, the milk being raw, and the blackberries being local. I will be serving up some recipes, ideas, and chronicling my new quest for real food, in between turns on the tire swing.

And Baby makes....Joy!

Rewind 3 years. It is August and I sit writing in my journal by the lake on our family vacation:

"God has changed my heart. How else can I describe it? I do not just have a different viewpoint. My heart is full and it is God who has filled it with his Truth from His Word. He has turned my heart toward my children. (Malachi 4:6) Given me clear vision for their education. Opened my closed heart and mind to the blessing of more children. He has freed me from the fear of depression with this Scripture: "

"Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O Earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones... Lift up your eyes and look around; all your sons gather and come to you. 'As surely as I live,' declares the Lord, 'you will wear them all as ornaments; you will put them on, like a bride. The children born during your bereavement will yet say in your hearing, 'This place is too small for us; give us more space to live in'. Then you will say in your heart, 'Who bore me these?' I was bereaved and barren; I was exiled and rejected. Who brought these up?" Isaiah 49:13-21

God was challenging me to stop living in fear and regret. "Oh, we can't have more children because Cadi is so difficult and it might make her worse, plus I can't have a baby and take an antidepressant, plus I could end up with postpartum depression...."etc. He was challenging me to leave Acadia in His hands. Who was I to say that another sibling would be bad for her?
I did not know then that my "bereavement" would not only be the depression that our family battles, but also 2 miscarriages in the next two years, and an emotionally difficult pregnancy. I also did not know the depth of joy that a child can bring, when God chooses to bless in the midst of difficult situations.

Immediately after Beatrix was born she was quiet and alert and looking up into our faces. A week or two later she started smiling while she looked into our eyes. It really didn't matter that newborns are not supposed to smile. She was blessing our family with joy in a way that nothing else could.

She is now 4 and 1/2 months old and learning to laugh. We laugh at her as she jumps and jumps in her "jolly jumper". Acadia and Lily change diapers, sing lullabies, and are fantastic babysitters already. God obviously knew what he was doing, and our growing family is simply a portrait of His grace.

Confession

I've been thinking I should blog about why I haven't been blogging. Did you catch the problem in that statement? It's actually the answer to why I haven't written. I've been depressed. Not everyday, but I have been struggling with it throughout this pregnancy and I think since I only have 34 or so days left until this baby arrives it's time to come clean. It's hard for me to blog when I am depressed, or even if I was depressed yesterday because I don't want to think about my life. I just want to get through it the best I can and not analyze it. I don't want to make my life sound any worse or any better than it is and I have a fear that whatever I write will do that. I also think about all the different people I know who read this and worry what they will think about this or that thing that I write. I just want to hide until I feel better.
Apparrently the hormones that are rushing through my body to make this baby grow are stronger than the medication I take to keep my brain from crashing. I tried taking more of it but it just made me so sleepy I couldn't do anything. I think, in retrospect, maybe I should have just tried a different drug earlier on. But now I want to wait until the baby comes and see what happens. My family, my therapist, and now all of you, know that my depression might worsen postpartum and that I would need to get more help, but there is also the possibility that I might start to feel better. So I will wait it out one day at a time. If you see me and I am smiling, know that I am not trying to pretend to be happy, I am probably just okay at that moment. I seem to be able to do and think about some things but not others. I am looking forward to seeing this new baby, and my newest little nephew, but let's not talk about money, or the middle east, or health care, or christian persecution, or missions or child abuse okay? Those are some of my recent triggers into the depths of despair and I can't seem to distance myself from the emotional part of them right now.
As for an update on Acadia...
I had a phone meeting with one of the researchers at NIH this week to answer questions about the last 6 months. I didn't have a lot written down, but thankfully I had blogged about the manic episode Acadia had in the fall and I was able to use that to answer most of the questions. I need to remember to keep blogging updates now and then just for my own sake since I'm not keeping any other sort of journal for her right now. She had been pretty stable until we got close to Christmas and then she started having some anxiety about how long it was going to be until Christmas, and what we were doing everyday. She wanted to fill up every minute of her day with some exciting activity until Christmas morning arrived. With help from my Mom we kept her as busy as we could, but we were still hearing a lot of "I'm so bored I can't stand it". It's been difficult for me to be depressed and unmotivated and not able to think of ideas and things for her to do when it seems like she often needs or wants me to do that for her. She likes to have her environment prepared for her because it decreases her stress and anxiety level so much. For example; Mom hasn't been making sure all the socks are clean, paired, and in the drawer, so she's had to go looking for socks when she needs them and gets very frustrated. On the other hand she CAN do many things independently and often does, so it's more a matter of figuring out what the biggest stressors are and trying to help her with those. And then there's the things you can't avoid, like Christmas. Thanks to Seroquel she slept great and then we all got up and opened presents together. Once that was done we told her there would be about an hour to wait until we left to go to Grammie's. This was apparently more than she could handle because she started getting agitated and stomping around the house. Then she was saying how much she hated Christmas, throwing things, dumping crayons everywhere and getting more out of control. We directed her upstairs, and on her way she flipped the bookcase over and all the kid's books came crashing down the stairs. Once in her room, she cried and screamed about how bad she was and how sorry she was, that she wanted to kill herself and that we could never forgive her. Because I sensed a desire in the midst of this verbal debris to make things right, I simply asked her if she was ready to clean up the books. She immediately came out and began cleaning up. I helped her until it was done, and she apologized to us for what she had done. We forgave her and left it at that. We went to my Mom and Dad's and she held it together pretty well for the rest of the day, but it wasn't until we were driving home that night from our last "Christmas" that she finally seemed happy and relieved. She said that she still felt bad about throwing the fit that morning, but the rest of the day was so wonderful and she loved all her presents and was looking forward to playing with them tomorrow. It was such a dramatic turn around from her attitude the rest of the day, I was amazed. I hadn't even thought of the concept that she probably couldn't enjoy any of her gifts until it was all over!
Since then, there have been a few times when I have seen some depressive symptoms. One day she put these signs on her bedroom door:
The piece of junk
Worthless Person
You wouldn't like me
Behold: the worst person
The Unloved
(I know, they are sad and funny at the same time, especially with the bad spelling they were written in.)
Acadia is difficult to motivate, often very bored, unfocused, always wants to go somewhere and is irritable at times. At other times she is able to play happily with her sister and friends. It might be the beginning of a depressive episode or it might be a good description of most of us in Maine in our post holiday slump. We will have to wait and see.
That's the most writing I have done in ages, so let's call it good and hopefully we can do this again soon.

Merry Christmas from the Millers!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Flaky Pastry and Parenting

UPDATE 1/29/10: I have changed this "traditional" recipe now to use traditional, real fats: half butter and half coconut oil. My mom and I both did this for Thanksgiving and the pie crusts came out even better than usual. Yum!

I made pastry dough today using a family recipe. It came from my mother's family, I don't know how far back. It may not be ancient, but it makes really good pie. I was amused at how easy it was for me to make compared to other recipes, it seemed like my hands just knew what they were doing, and my fingers knew when the texture was just right. I have been making this pastry since I was little; watching my mother at first and playing with the dough, then trying my own pies and hearing my dad say (with a twinkle in his eye) "It's good... just needs a little more practice!" So now, it's natural to me. I don't get lost in the recipe, I don't forget the ingredients, there is nothing to figure out. The pies come out great, and Dad still says "Just a little more practice!"
While I was mixing my dough today, I was wishing that parenting was more like making pastry. In fact, I used to think that it was. You follow the recipe, you make a good kid. You raise your children the way you were taught (in my case, coming from a loving home) and things will work out fine. Don't have an old family recipe for raising children? Never fear, just choose one from Dr. Dobson, Michael Pearl, or even Super Nanny! Read the books, follow the steps, and the result will be one nice shining kid.
Anyone who is a parent knows it doesn't work like that. I don't even have a great analogy for parenting, I don't think it fits one. My experience with parenting isn't even the same with each child, and yours would be quite different from mine. The closest thing I can think of at the moment is mining and cutting diamonds. It's hard work, messy, takes forever, and then each diamond has to be cut to bring out the radience of the individual stone. The best part of that analogy is that only a diamond can cut a diamond. So both diamonds are being shaped in the process. We are not creating children like we create a pie, we are being used to shape them. And we too, are being changed.
I need my experience with parenting to conform me into the image of Christ. I form my pastry into pie, and pray that I will be as pliable in his hands. But not quite so flaky.

Twenty Blue Devils and Pumpkin Spice Latte

“A cup of coffee, home made, that comes to you dark as a hazel-eye, but changes to a golden bronze as you temper it with cream…such a cup of coffee is a match for twenty blue devils and will exorcise them all.”
- H. W. Beecher

There are two things that this post grew out of: My annual pumpkin-anything craving and the nurse that Dan saw awhile ago who was adamant that he cut way back on coffee. He did try, but was rather miserable. Those of you who know us well, know that coffee is the culture of the Miller household and we quite agree with someone who has called decaf "useless warm brown water". Susannah once commented on how everyone's house has a certain smell, and I (very afraid) asked what my house smelled like. It was coffee of course. I had been imagining all the other undesirable smells I deal with every day.

This week I tried a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks and determined to find a way to have one more often. So, here is my recipe for pumpkin spice syrup which you can add to your coffee, or latte. It is especially helpful for those who are battling twenty blue devils.

Pumpkin Spice Syrup

Add to pot:

2 cups water
2 cups sugar
Bring to a simmer and stir to dissolve sugar.

Add:

1 1/2 tbsp pumpkin pie spice

or

1 tbsp of ground cinnamon.
1/2 tbsp of ground ginger.
1 tsp of cloves (or allspice).
1 tsp of freshly grated nutmeg.

Simmer for several minutes
Cool and strain
Add 1 tbsp vanilla extract


I use about 1 oz syrup for a double shot latte, less for coffee.
Top with whipped cream and sprinkle with spice! Enjoy!

Full moon mania

This was the scene at our house earlier this week as the moon reached it's fullness and Cadi reached her..um.. "hypomanicness". I found this cartoon on a website that has "positive mental health humor". We love that kind of thing around here because laughing releases all kinds of good brain chemicals and keeps us from getting sad/mad/bitter. You can click here to go to their website.

To start from the beginning of this manic episode, about 6 weeks ago Cadi was really hyper and unfocused. She was having trouble staying on task and it looked like her ADHD flaring up. Her Adderall used to help with this kind of thing so we (parents and pdoc) thought perhaps she needed a little more. We cautiously tried a tiny bit higher dose for 3 days and then discontinued because Cadi said it made her feel different, more angry, and we didn't see any improvement. We also raised her Lithium dose a bit to help prevent more mood swings. After that she continued with the hyperactivity and inattention and her impulsivity increased. One night when I called her inside for the night she climbed up a ladder and broke in my upstairs bedroom window. She was more talkative, and on labor day she sat down and talked to a table full of adults about what it was like in the hospital at NIH. They thought it was great that she was having a conversation with them, but it was really out of character for her. She began getting obsessed with one thing that she wanted to do, refusing to do anything else or be helped. This got very difficult when she started obsessing about a certain shirt that she wanted to wear that no one had seen for awhile or knew where to find it. Getting dressed started taking a very long time.

The climax of this episode (so far!) was Monday night (which happened to be a full moon) when she snuck out of the house at 11:30 pm. I heard her coming back in the house and found out that she had gone across the road to her friends house and talked to her. She had also picked up a caterpillar and was breaking out in a rash on her neck when she came back in the house. I treated the rash and put her to bed on the couch so I could watch her until she fell asleep. The rest of the week I discontinued her Adderall (just in case it was adding to the mess of brain chemicals), tried to get in contact with the pdoc and gave her lots of Benadryl. It doesn't make her groggy at all, but it does seem to help her calm down and she had a rash besides.

Tomorrow we will see the pdoc and get her input. The last couple of days have been more manageable. We had such a great summer though and the longest period of stability I have seen; at least 3 months. The fall swing seemed to come a bit earlier than other years, but I have been feeling the seasonal changes too, the light has changed and we have to adjust.

I have some more blog posts rolling around in my head so hopefully I can get them out and posted soon!