Friday, December 14, 2007

Craving Answers

I have gone through Thanksgiving and the Cawley Christmas party without a mixer. I got my husband to whip the cream with a whisk and I made frosting in the food processor. It was not perfect but it was okay. I also went through Thanksgiving and the Cawley Christmas party without Acadia. Of course it was easier, I didn’t think too much about it, and it was okay. But if I do think about it, it’s not okay, it’s awful. I do sometimes feel guilty about leaving her there. Not the kind of rational, believable guilt, just the aching that feels like it must somehow be wrong. Especially when she calls, like she did tonight, and begs to come home. She said it’s the most horrible place in the world.

The thing is, as much as it hurts to hear her so upset and homesick, she has said all of those things about home too. I am pretty sure that if she was home right now, she would be fighting me and calling me stupid and cruel like she is doing to the nurses tonight. So I know that home is not THE answer, although I want her to come home as soon as possible. THE answer, of course is not just one answer, but I am feeling rather confused again and wanting more definitive answers. That is, after all, why we are doing this whole thing in the first place.

No comments: