Thursday, December 6, 2007

WARNING: flags

I'm brooding. So much so that I took a picture of myself brooding and now I'm going to blog about it. I have my pathetic moments.

That being said, the document in my hand is a 25 page detailed account of Acadia's moods and behaviors for 2003-2004. The fact that I have this information documented proves that I was more desperate for answers for Acadia than I was depressed, and so I wrote down whatever I could whenever I could. The good thing is that I have all of this to help me now. Cadi's doctor at NIH requested some more information surrounding her experience with Prozac. And I have it. The little green flag says Prozac. The orange one Wellbutrin, the pink one Depakote, and the green one you can't see, Ritalin. These are not only post-it flags to me. They are bright warning flags. WARNING: this is a powerful drug that can alter your child's brain. WARNING: even though this drug has worked for many other children, it will not work for yours. WARNING: you have only begun the list of medications you will try in your desperate attempt to find help for your child. WARNING: your child is very ill and needs help. WARNING: all these warnings mean nothing, three years from now you will still be looking for help and searching for answers.

Don't get me wrong. I am not against medication. And I have always guarded against putting my hope in a magic pill. My hope is in God. But I am at one of those turning points again. A new chapter is beginning in our saga and as I read through the old chapters they look sadly familiar. "Wow, she was doing that when she was four and she is still doing it?" Acadia is totally off medication for the research program, and she has even had things start again that we hadn't seen for a couple of years. She is chewing on everything again, constantly. She is very hyper and distractable. They say she is a different kid from the one who arrived a month or so ago.

I am going to see her tomorrow and mother her the best I can in this situation. I am going to hand this flagged document to the expert and put a little bit of my hope in the possibility that he will have some answers for me soon. If he doesn't, if the new meds still don't work, then what? We will go on. Our therapist says we can't go on like we were, but if that's what we have to do then we will. Sometimes you don't get to make that choice. We will go on living and loving as families do; always looking for whatever help comes next, in whatever form that takes.
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