And Baby makes....Joy!

Rewind 3 years. It is August and I sit writing in my journal by the lake on our family vacation:

"God has changed my heart. How else can I describe it? I do not just have a different viewpoint. My heart is full and it is God who has filled it with his Truth from His Word. He has turned my heart toward my children. (Malachi 4:6) Given me clear vision for their education. Opened my closed heart and mind to the blessing of more children. He has freed me from the fear of depression with this Scripture: "

"Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O Earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones... Lift up your eyes and look around; all your sons gather and come to you. 'As surely as I live,' declares the Lord, 'you will wear them all as ornaments; you will put them on, like a bride. The children born during your bereavement will yet say in your hearing, 'This place is too small for us; give us more space to live in'. Then you will say in your heart, 'Who bore me these?' I was bereaved and barren; I was exiled and rejected. Who brought these up?" Isaiah 49:13-21

God was challenging me to stop living in fear and regret. "Oh, we can't have more children because Cadi is so difficult and it might make her worse, plus I can't have a baby and take an antidepressant, plus I could end up with postpartum depression...."etc. He was challenging me to leave Acadia in His hands. Who was I to say that another sibling would be bad for her?
I did not know then that my "bereavement" would not only be the depression that our family battles, but also 2 miscarriages in the next two years, and an emotionally difficult pregnancy. I also did not know the depth of joy that a child can bring, when God chooses to bless in the midst of difficult situations.

Immediately after Beatrix was born she was quiet and alert and looking up into our faces. A week or two later she started smiling while she looked into our eyes. It really didn't matter that newborns are not supposed to smile. She was blessing our family with joy in a way that nothing else could.

She is now 4 and 1/2 months old and learning to laugh. We laugh at her as she jumps and jumps in her "jolly jumper". Acadia and Lily change diapers, sing lullabies, and are fantastic babysitters already. God obviously knew what he was doing, and our growing family is simply a portrait of His grace.

Confession

I've been thinking I should blog about why I haven't been blogging. Did you catch the problem in that statement? It's actually the answer to why I haven't written. I've been depressed. Not everyday, but I have been struggling with it throughout this pregnancy and I think since I only have 34 or so days left until this baby arrives it's time to come clean. It's hard for me to blog when I am depressed, or even if I was depressed yesterday because I don't want to think about my life. I just want to get through it the best I can and not analyze it. I don't want to make my life sound any worse or any better than it is and I have a fear that whatever I write will do that. I also think about all the different people I know who read this and worry what they will think about this or that thing that I write. I just want to hide until I feel better.
Apparrently the hormones that are rushing through my body to make this baby grow are stronger than the medication I take to keep my brain from crashing. I tried taking more of it but it just made me so sleepy I couldn't do anything. I think, in retrospect, maybe I should have just tried a different drug earlier on. But now I want to wait until the baby comes and see what happens. My family, my therapist, and now all of you, know that my depression might worsen postpartum and that I would need to get more help, but there is also the possibility that I might start to feel better. So I will wait it out one day at a time. If you see me and I am smiling, know that I am not trying to pretend to be happy, I am probably just okay at that moment. I seem to be able to do and think about some things but not others. I am looking forward to seeing this new baby, and my newest little nephew, but let's not talk about money, or the middle east, or health care, or christian persecution, or missions or child abuse okay? Those are some of my recent triggers into the depths of despair and I can't seem to distance myself from the emotional part of them right now.
As for an update on Acadia...
I had a phone meeting with one of the researchers at NIH this week to answer questions about the last 6 months. I didn't have a lot written down, but thankfully I had blogged about the manic episode Acadia had in the fall and I was able to use that to answer most of the questions. I need to remember to keep blogging updates now and then just for my own sake since I'm not keeping any other sort of journal for her right now. She had been pretty stable until we got close to Christmas and then she started having some anxiety about how long it was going to be until Christmas, and what we were doing everyday. She wanted to fill up every minute of her day with some exciting activity until Christmas morning arrived. With help from my Mom we kept her as busy as we could, but we were still hearing a lot of "I'm so bored I can't stand it". It's been difficult for me to be depressed and unmotivated and not able to think of ideas and things for her to do when it seems like she often needs or wants me to do that for her. She likes to have her environment prepared for her because it decreases her stress and anxiety level so much. For example; Mom hasn't been making sure all the socks are clean, paired, and in the drawer, so she's had to go looking for socks when she needs them and gets very frustrated. On the other hand she CAN do many things independently and often does, so it's more a matter of figuring out what the biggest stressors are and trying to help her with those. And then there's the things you can't avoid, like Christmas. Thanks to Seroquel she slept great and then we all got up and opened presents together. Once that was done we told her there would be about an hour to wait until we left to go to Grammie's. This was apparently more than she could handle because she started getting agitated and stomping around the house. Then she was saying how much she hated Christmas, throwing things, dumping crayons everywhere and getting more out of control. We directed her upstairs, and on her way she flipped the bookcase over and all the kid's books came crashing down the stairs. Once in her room, she cried and screamed about how bad she was and how sorry she was, that she wanted to kill herself and that we could never forgive her. Because I sensed a desire in the midst of this verbal debris to make things right, I simply asked her if she was ready to clean up the books. She immediately came out and began cleaning up. I helped her until it was done, and she apologized to us for what she had done. We forgave her and left it at that. We went to my Mom and Dad's and she held it together pretty well for the rest of the day, but it wasn't until we were driving home that night from our last "Christmas" that she finally seemed happy and relieved. She said that she still felt bad about throwing the fit that morning, but the rest of the day was so wonderful and she loved all her presents and was looking forward to playing with them tomorrow. It was such a dramatic turn around from her attitude the rest of the day, I was amazed. I hadn't even thought of the concept that she probably couldn't enjoy any of her gifts until it was all over!
Since then, there have been a few times when I have seen some depressive symptoms. One day she put these signs on her bedroom door:
The piece of junk
Worthless Person
You wouldn't like me
Behold: the worst person
The Unloved
(I know, they are sad and funny at the same time, especially with the bad spelling they were written in.)
Acadia is difficult to motivate, often very bored, unfocused, always wants to go somewhere and is irritable at times. At other times she is able to play happily with her sister and friends. It might be the beginning of a depressive episode or it might be a good description of most of us in Maine in our post holiday slump. We will have to wait and see.
That's the most writing I have done in ages, so let's call it good and hopefully we can do this again soon.

Merry Christmas from the Millers!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Flaky Pastry and Parenting

I made pastry dough today using a family recipe. It came from my mother's family, I don't know how far back. It may not be ancient, but it makes really good pie. I was amused at how easy it was for me to make compared to other recipes, it seemed like my hands just knew what they were doing, and my fingers knew when the texture was just right. I have been making this pastry since I was little; watching my mother at first and playing with the dough, then trying my own pies and hearing my dad say (with a twinkle in his eye) "It's good... just needs a little more practice!" So now, it's natural to me. I don't get lost in the recipe, I don't forget the ingredients, there is nothing to figure out. The pies come out great, and Dad still says "Just a little more practice!"
While I was mixing my dough today, I was wishing that parenting was more like making pastry. In fact, I used to think that it was. You follow the recipe, you make a good kid. You raise your children the way you were taught (in my case, coming from a loving home) and things will work out fine. Don't have an old family recipe for raising children? Never fear, just choose one from Dr. Dobson, Michael Pearl, or even Super Nanny! Read the books, follow the steps, and the result will be one nice shining kid.
Anyone who is a parent knows it doesn't work like that. I don't even have a great analogy for parenting, I don't think it fits one. My experience with parenting isn't even the same with each child, and yours would be quite different from mine. The closest thing I can think of at the moment is mining and cutting diamonds. It's hard work, messy, takes forever, and then each diamond has to be cut to bring out the radience of the individual stone. The best part of that analogy is that only a diamond can cut a diamond. So both diamonds are being shaped in the process. We are not creating children like we create a pie, we are being used to shape them. And we too, are being changed.
I need my experience with parenting to conform me into the image of Christ. I form my pastry into pie, and pray that I will be as pliable in his hands. But not quite so flaky.

Twenty Blue Devils and Pumpkin Spice Latte

“A cup of coffee, home made, that comes to you dark as a hazel-eye, but changes to a golden bronze as you temper it with cream…such a cup of coffee is a match for twenty blue devils and will exorcise them all.”
- H. W. Beecher

There are two things that this post grew out of: My annual pumpkin-anything craving and the nurse that Dan saw awhile ago who was adamant that he cut way back on coffee. He did try, but was rather miserable. Those of you who know us well, know that coffee is the culture of the Miller household and we quite agree with someone who has called decaf "useless warm brown water". Susannah once commented on how everyone's house has a certain smell, and I (very afraid) asked what my house smelled like. It was coffee of course. I had been imagining all the other undesirable smells I deal with every day.

This week I tried a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks and determined to find a way to have one more often. So, here is my recipe for pumpkin spice syrup which you can add to your coffee, or latte. It is especially helpful for those who are battling twenty blue devils.

Pumpkin Spice Syrup

Add to pot:

2 cups water
2 cups sugar
Bring to a simmer and stir to dissolve sugar.

Add:

1 1/2 tbsp pumpkin pie spice

or

1 tbsp of ground cinnamon.
1/2 tbsp of ground ginger.
1 tsp of cloves (or allspice).
1 tsp of freshly grated nutmeg.

Simmer for several minutes
Cool and strain
Add 1 tbsp vanilla extract


I use about 1 oz syrup for a double shot latte, less for coffee.
Top with whipped cream and sprinkle with spice! Enjoy!

Full moon mania

This was the scene at our house earlier this week as the moon reached it's fullness and Cadi reached her..um.. "hypomanicness". I found this cartoon on a website that has "positive mental health humor". We love that kind of thing around here because laughing releases all kinds of good brain chemicals and keeps us from getting sad/mad/bitter. You can click here to go to their website.

To start from the beginning of this manic episode, about 6 weeks ago Cadi was really hyper and unfocused. She was having trouble staying on task and it looked like her ADHD flaring up. Her Adderall used to help with this kind of thing so we (parents and pdoc) thought perhaps she needed a little more. We cautiously tried a tiny bit higher dose for 3 days and then discontinued because Cadi said it made her feel different, more angry, and we didn't see any improvement. We also raised her Lithium dose a bit to help prevent more mood swings. After that she continued with the hyperactivity and inattention and her impulsivity increased. One night when I called her inside for the night she climbed up a ladder and broke in my upstairs bedroom window. She was more talkative, and on labor day she sat down and talked to a table full of adults about what it was like in the hospital at NIH. They thought it was great that she was having a conversation with them, but it was really out of character for her. She began getting obsessed with one thing that she wanted to do, refusing to do anything else or be helped. This got very difficult when she started obsessing about a certain shirt that she wanted to wear that no one had seen for awhile or knew where to find it. Getting dressed started taking a very long time.

The climax of this episode (so far!) was Monday night (which happened to be a full moon) when she snuck out of the house at 11:30 pm. I heard her coming back in the house and found out that she had gone across the road to her friends house and talked to her. She had also picked up a caterpillar and was breaking out in a rash on her neck when she came back in the house. I treated the rash and put her to bed on the couch so I could watch her until she fell asleep. The rest of the week I discontinued her Adderall (just in case it was adding to the mess of brain chemicals), tried to get in contact with the pdoc and gave her lots of Benadryl. It doesn't make her groggy at all, but it does seem to help her calm down and she had a rash besides.

Tomorrow we will see the pdoc and get her input. The last couple of days have been more manageable. We had such a great summer though and the longest period of stability I have seen; at least 3 months. The fall swing seemed to come a bit earlier than other years, but I have been feeling the seasonal changes too, the light has changed and we have to adjust.

I have some more blog posts rolling around in my head so hopefully I can get them out and posted soon!

Still Praying for Justice in Kenya (video link and my thoughts)

I continue to receive updates on the situation with our friend Jeremiah, in Kenya. There is a video you can see from the local news at
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUy9jKZE87w


"Friends, As of today, Jeremiah remains in jail. I was able to speak with him today and, while he remains confident that he will be exonerated, he sounded very tired. The police have concluded the investigation and the findings have been forwarded to the regional court for review and recommendation. The police feel that there is no evidence that has been uncovered that, in any way, implicates Jeremiah. However, the final determination of what comes next depends upon the judge who will examine the case. Please continue to pray that the Truth will prevail and that the healing can begin for the Pallangyos and for Naivasha. As a pastor friend of Jeremiah said to me, "Next will be damage control". Accusation (especially false accusation) can be devastating and only God knows the ultimate effect of this crisis upon the New Hope for All Nations Church and the ministry of Jeremiah and Beth. May we pray that it comes out of this stronger than ever! Continue to remember the Pallangyo children (Faith, Grace, Caleb and Winnie) as they try to deal with this attack upon their dad. Pray for the Church leaders as they stand for their Bishop and their ministry. Pray for the young man who committed these terrible acts. Pray that the Lord teach all of us what He would have us to learn in the midst of trials such as these."

"Beth returned home about 9PM her time today (2PM our time) . She had just
returned from visiting and taking food to Jeremiah. She 's been going there
3 times a day to visit and to bring him meals and bring him water to wash in
his cell. I asked her if he is comfortable and she told me that it is
difficult for him to be comfortable because he is sharing the cell with
others, including Geoffrey Matheri, the serial murderer and rapist who is
the accuser who implicated Jeremiah in the horrible crimes Geoffrey admitted
to commiting."
Can you imagine being in the same cell with these guys?


A final note: Jeremiah has been represented during this process by a group of attorneys recommended by his advisers. It has been their duty to see that all of the appropriate legal processes have been followed and to assure that Jeremiah is not "railroaded" in the heat of the moment. They have performed their work well---but, unfortunately, not pro bono. Consequently, there is an obligation of $3,500 owing to this firm. This is a sum that the Pallangyos do not have. If you would be willing to help defray this cost, you can do so through Child's Hope International on line @ www.childshopeinternational.org"

I am praying that this money does not have to come out of the mouths of orphans. The price of basic food like rice has gone so high around the world and there are so many orphans still starving in Africa. My heart has been broken over this lately, especially while we are complaining about affording the gas to put into our shiny cars, and my church is pouring money into colored glass.  We live world's away from the reality of life in places like Kenya. May our hearts be tender and ready to act as we are able.

Please Pray! ....UPDATE

From an email I received this morning:

"Jeremiah was on television last night and appeared very calm and spoke very clearly. This case has galvanized churches all over the nation and East Africa. Leaders from all over the region have begun to come to his aid.

Mama said the investigation is continuing, which she and Jeremiah want to happen, because until the investigation is fully done his name cannot be completely cleared."

I will keep you updated here when I find out more. Thanks for praying with us, Kathryn

Please Pray!

I received an urgent prayer request for Jeremiah Paragyo, who is a national pastor in Kenya and cares for many orphans in his home. Dan is involved with an organization that works to raise support and involvement with this man's ministry in Kenya. He is pictured below with "his kids".

Jeremiah has been implicated and named as an accomplice in a terrible crime.

"A shocked Bishop Paragyo told the reporters that his detractors were trying to malign him in public. Kisang' said the Bishop would remain in police custody to shed more light on the saga that has left many people reeling in shock and disbelief."
I don't want to share the entire story here on my blog because of it's graphic nature, but please do click the link to read the news article explaining the situation here.

Also visit Child's Hope to find out more about the organization that Dan is involved with, and Jeremiah's ministry.

"Please join us all in praying for Jeremiah and Beth and that the truth is brought out as loud as the National News broadcast these horrid accusations."

Thanks, Kathryn

I'm hooked

I never thought it would happen. I have become a true blogger. I read AND write blogs, I check them daily, and I laugh and cry with my fellow bloggers.  I sit in front of my screen and tears roll down my face as I read what other women have written, what they are living, how they draw others closer to God through their stories. I want to introduce you to two blogs that have blown me away recently.

The first is My Charming Kids.

This is the site I have had in my sidebar as a prayer request. God is doing miraculous things in this unborn baby's life and it's faith-challenging to watch. I love this blog because I am reminded to pray and that God responds to our prayers, and because the photos are so beautiful.

The second is Bring the Rain.

I read this one last night with tears falling like rain. God answered this family's prayers in a different way, and somehow the beauty of life and family is no more apparent than in this story. The pictures and words are beyond moving, and the Sovereignty of God shines through each detail. Here's an excerpt that I love:

(A 5 year old makes a picture for her newborn sister who has recently died)

"I want to give it to her, mommy.  I want to put it in her basket." 

They call her "casket" a "basket," and we don't correct them, because frankly, I like the idea of a basket better anyway.

"OK."  Now what do I say? How am I going to explain this to a 5 year old?

 She looked at me, waiting.

"So..should we put it in the mailbox, mommy? Will the man come and get it?"  

She wanted to understand the details of our new situation, and the truth at that moment was that I did too.

"Well, Abby, the great thing about heaven is that Audrey can see all of the things that we are doing down here.  AND, she can see what you made for her!  She can just look right into our house and see it."  I waited to see how this felt to her.

Without a word, she spoke life back into my tired bones.

She took the edges of the drawing delicately and lifted it high above her head, closer to her baby sister.  She had her head tipped back, looking upward, and after a few seconds, she closed her eyes and a smile made it's way across her face.

"She liked it, didn't she?" I asked her quietly.

She nodded, still glowing, and ran off to play.

I don't know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this.  If you can just trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece.  And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him."

You need to go read some more of this blog, but make sure you have tissues handy.