Tuesday, April 22, 2008


As the song says, I am being held. By love and prayers and really tight hugs.
I am healing, but I am not, as someone told me, "amazing". You might like to know that I too screamed at God in the night. Those words that came when I could not form any others, when anger was my first and all encompassing emotion. But as I came to the moment when my baby slipped away I felt the grace of God melt all of that anger into a sad acceptance. I don't know how He did it, but I know it wasn't me. He gives life, and He takes it, and he caresses my rage into gentle tears. He takes my chin in his hand and gently turns my head.
My girls are beautiful. They are happy and full of the promise of spring. They are muddy and sunkissed and stomping the last pile of snow, barefoot in bikinis. They are giggling in the bath and ask "Mom, what is that animal with a squarish nose that likes to go in the water sometimes, but lives on land? It's a something-bara". "A capybara.", I said. "Yes! We are capybaras and we have to wash our fur now." They are playing baseball and floating boats and drawing fairies and birds. All is right with girlhood at this glorious moment of spring. This, too, holds me.


Kate said...

Love you dear friend, so glad our Abba is holding you tight! Thank you for your note on our 'March'...love and hugs and prayers, Kari

Alive to Grow said...


My arms are giving you a big hug...know how much I cry with you and pray you will continue to know God's love, hugs, and healing.

I can remember tears I cried as we dealt with Tyler's many times in the hospital...no matter what it is we go through in our families we do feel God's love and care.

I know you will continue to feel His all encompassing care.

Enjoy those precious girls you have.

Love, Faith