I went to see my doctor for a check-up on Tuesday. The miscarriage was complete with no complications and he sees no signs of any problems that require future intervention. I did ask for some blood tests which he agreed to although we don't expect to find a problem there either. It is hard to accept, but miscarriage is normal. Even recurrent miscarriage is normal. Research shows that even after 3 or 4 miscarriages most women will go on to have a healthy pregnancy without any intervention. Do we plan to try again? Well, there is something about having a miscarriage that makes us want to fight all the harder to bring another life into this world. To do that we have to get back on the roller coaster, but hey, that's normal around here. It's hard for us to say that we "plan" to have another baby. Early in our marriage we asked God to give us children as he saw fit, and then began waiting on him to give us a baby. You could say we have experienced infertility at various times, but on the other hand, we have two children and we were serious when we put our family in his hands. Even when we make decisions regarding our family, God is always reminding us that he is the author of life. He gives and he waits to give, he takes and he gives us himself.
In the reading that I have been doing since the miscarriage, I have been awed by the mystery surrounding the beginning of life. I had no idea that we know so little about why life begins and why it doesn't or why it ends so quickly. The sovereignty of God is nowhere more vital and powerful than the sacred beginning of the smallest embryo. This intersection of the physical and spiritual is holy ground, the miraculous "normal", that we take for granted... until it's gone.
Of the three miscarriages I have had, this one was the hardest. I don't imagine they get any easier, and I realize that if I do become pregnant, I could go through this all over again. But it's just as likely that I could go on to have a healthy baby. And we're back to the sovereignty of God. I cannot trust in statistics, no matter how favorable they may be. They tell me nothing of the story of my life that God is writing. I have no idea whether we will have more children, and I will not pretend that I am in control of it. I have been reminded of the fragility of life, and my place in the hands of the Creator.